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  • Writer's pictureLillian Hull

The Truth About Unborn Children and Unspoken Stories

This is easily one of the most terrifying things I’ve done in my life. I usually have at least one person review my post prior to sharing it. This is the first time I haven’t. I didn’t want any doubt in my life prior to sharing this, and I didn’t want to know what the reaction to this post may be. I’m about to share something incredibly vulnerable and real with you all. I’ve thought about sharing these details for a while now. I feel it would be a disservice to not share this information as there’s so much I wish I had known prior to my experience. I miscarried.


For my friends and family reading this, if I didn’t tell you, please understand I tried keeping this from pretty much everyone. It’s not a story I want or like to tell. It still is something that weighs heavy on my heart. Just last night I cried again, wishing my unborn child were still here.


To clarify, we were not and are not trying for a baby. I am on birth control and, as do most people, thought I was completely safe - there was no way that I’d be part of the 1% of the time. As personal as this is, my partner and I do use protection on top of my birth control so it really was such slim chances. Which I think in my mind, made the whole experience that much harder.


For a bit of background, I have been on the Nuvaring for probably three going on four years now. A few months into using this method of birth control I ceased having my period. This is common for proper Nuvaring usage and I worked with my Gynecologist during this time. Since then, I have spotted maybe one or two other times. Prior to this form of birth control I had been on the pill, and while on that and prior to birth control I barely bled, pads or a tampon could last all day and I never experienced cramping.


About two months ago, I started bleeding, and it kept getting heavier as days went on. I did think it was strange but I had been having other tests done as there was speculation of other issues so I assumed they may have been related. I will admit I think another part of me wanted to ignore the problem at first so that I didn’t have to know if something was seriously wrong with me. I am about to go into more graphic detail but I do hope that the women (and supportive men) continue reading as I never had education on miscarriage and didn’t know what to look for.


After the beginning of bleeding, it very quickly turned into having to change Super Plus tampons AND simultaneously a super pad every two hours or so, sometimes it got to the point it felt easier to just sit on the toilet. While this was going on, I started experiencing the worst cramps. The best way to describe them was literally what I assumed birth felt like. Just stabbing, excruciating pain on and off. There were many times I’d suddenly keel over in pain and have to stand there clutching at myself. The kind of pain you get hot and sweat from.


To make matters worse, I had called my Gynecologist office and they were all highly dismissive. They essentially said I most likely was just having a heavy period and it wasn’t of concern. They did ask me to do a pregnancy test but this was after I had already been actively bleeding heavily for over a week. The results came back negative but that’s when I started having concerns that it may have been a miscarriage. 


I started noticing clotting and what looked like I was passing tissue so at this point I kept calling the gynecologist until they let me make an appointment. Unfortunately by the time I the appointment date came the bleeding had stopped (this was around two and a half weeks after I initially started bleeding). Once they looked me over, asked more questions, they admitted it likely was a miscarriage at around six weeks along. They confirmed my fear.


I remember having to go back to work after this appointment in utter shock and numbness. I still didn’t want to admit to myself what happened, so I really just went on autopilot to make it through the day. It was at this point my hormones really tried to balance themselves out which just made the process harder. I could cry at just about anything and I hated looking at anything having to do with pregnancy. I seriously had so much resentment and hate towards the world at the time.


Unluckily for me, there’s a whole lot of people in my life that are pregnant or just gave birth. I felt alone, I felt like there wasn’t anyone I could talk to because I didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s happiness nor did I want pity. But I did want someone to feel the same way I felt, I wanted someone, really anyone, to mourn for my unborn child the same way I was. Of course no one was experiencing what I had gone through so no one else did.


I felt intense guilt. I blamed myself for not forcing an appointment sooner though I know the miscarriage would’ve likely happened anyways since you can’t stop them once they start. I felt guilty that my unborn child didn’t know it was loved because I didn’t know it existed until it was too late. I’ve been unsure if I want to continue use of my birth control as I feel that probably was the cause of the miscarriage. I felt everyone was dismissive of it since we were not trying. I felt like life wanted to move on when I wasn’t ready to stop mourning the life that was once hiding inside of me.


I wish I had known what miscarriage looked like, or the pain associated with miscarriage. No one had taught me these things and it’s part of the reason I blamed myself as well. If I had only known. If I had known I was pregnant, maybe I would’ve taken the birth control out sooner or whatever harm I was causing I would’ve stopped and  I could’ve saved my unborn child.


I’m past all the resentment now but at the time, with my hormones not even settled yet, having to see all the happy pregnancies around me killed me. I considered asking my partner to actually try with me, part of me felt like it would make everything ok, while another part of me felt like a monster for thinking of so quickly replacing the life I lost. I just wanted my life to go back to normal but how does your life go back to normal after losing a child you didn’t know you even had? I wasn’t even given the chance to try to have a good pregnancy or feel like a mother. 


The point that I really want to make is miscarriage affects every part of your body and soul. In a way that nobody but the person going through it will understand. It’s different for everybody but please do not allow people to dismiss you. Whether that be your emotions on the situation or your symptoms. The most response I got from my gynecologist was to take out my Nuvaring and wait a week before putting in a new one to make sure all the blood and tissue was expelled so I didn’t cause infection. There was no remorse or advice.


The only thing said that eased any amount of pain was just that even though I miscarried, doesn’t mean I will have trouble in the future with another pregnancy. I do hope that is true, as I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone. If you’re even at risk of pregnancy, (this doesn’t mean actively trying for a baby, I mean if you’re having unprotected sex or really any sex) then please look into signs of miscarriage. It can last from a day to a month. Depending on how far along you are there may or may not be a lot of clotting and tissue passing. Sometimes there is pain associated and other times there isn’t. You know your body better than anybody, do not let anyone tell you different.


This is also your experience, no one can tell you how to handle it. If you want to cry and scream and hate the world even if you weren’t trying for a baby like I did, go for it. If you want to remain stoic and strong when you were trying for a baby, go for it. No one can tell you how to mourn the life growing inside your own body. No one can tell you how long it’ll take to move past mourning, and no one can tell you how severely to mourn.


I want to end this post sending my love to all my readers. Sometimes it’s healing to be vulnerable. Equal parts terrifying, but healing. If I can forewarn or educate even one woman about the experience of a miscarriage than I’ve done what I aimed to do. I hope you’re all blessed with the rainbow babies you want, and I hope that my story made you feel like you are not alone. Please remember you’re always welcome to reach out by email or any of my social media. I am currently on Facebook (currently under Rose and Rosé still as I work with the site to change the name), then on Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest as @rosehavenblogs.


Thanks everyone for reading and supporting. I will be posting much more fun, fall content soon! Release of my fall calendar will be coming out shortly so you know when to expect posts and what they will be about! I truly hope you’ll continue following me and my journey, as I promise to always be real with you and do everything in my power as a woman to be inclusive and share stories along the way to make you feel like there are others like you. Until next time!

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