Though it’s seen that I am typically a cheerful “rosy” person, sometimes life hits us. And hard. Sometimes reality is too hard to ignore and even the things we enjoy most are shadowed by the pain. I haven’t posted in about a year and a half; a lot has changed in my life.
As I have written about here before, I was married. Two years ago in April (April 17th, 2018 to be exact) my husband at the time had told me he no longer wanted to be with me, then just two months later I was laid off from my very first job where I had worked for years. Two months later I started another job and around that time reconnected with an old coworker of mine. By January we started dating. In March, I started this blog. Everything was going so well!
April seems to be a vengeful month for me. Every year now. April 2019, I found out my job was closing my location and completely merging with the company that had bought them out in Missouri. So I was out another job, forced to move out of my apartment, and in with my boyfriend after only having dated a few months. There’s a reason that was what my last post was about. It was hard for me. Since then I struggled with identity. I went from having a marriage and planning to buy a house and have kids and was working my dream job to losing two jobs, my marriage, and my home. Anyone who knows me knows my connection with home. I’ve struggled my entire life with Depression, Anxiety, and Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter where I was, I never felt like I was home. After my husband left, I had to make my apartment feel like home again, and worked SO hard to do so. Losing that made me feel like a failure. Having taken such a bad memory and turning that place into a safe haven had taken months of grueling work and so many tears. Then just like that I was in someone else’s home having to make it feel like my own. All my life and career goals that were so close were ripped out from underneath me. I genuinely didn’t know how to handle it.
It took four months after that to find another steady job. In November 2019, I got my dream dog – a little corgi named Daisy, and moved into a house we plan to rent to own. Then it took months to make this place feel like a home – this time for both myself and my partner. Just as things started to feel good again, Covid came along. Though it started in March near me, everything was okay until, you guessed it - my dreaded month. April. After months of my seasonal depression taking a toll on me, I was somehow still forced to stay indoors even as the weather got nicer. Spent all of April anxious of what life was becoming and fearful being around those I loved as I’ve worked this whole time. I spent April working, eating, and sleeping with heavy drinking on the side. It was dark.
April won again. All the hard work I’ve put into finding myself, finding a home, finding a life worth living was overshadowed. I promised myself it wouldn’t and even attempted to come back to blogging in May but couldn’t find the right words. I was upset, angry, and overwhelmed by society. There are so many important things that have happened that I know I must discuss with you all.
I can't apologize enough for letting a year and more get away from me before coming back to doing what I love. I have so many stories to catch you all up on and I look forward to all of it. Life may not be perfect but I look forward to sharing those ups and downs with you all. I’m so grateful and lucky to have the man I am with in my life as well as my mother as it would not have been possible without them pushing me along. It was a lot to handle at one time and I wasn’t quite sure where life would take me. My goals seemed so far away again. One by one the pieces fell back together again though.
As my favorite season begins, a new chapter of this blog begins as well. Time to rebrand this site and myself. I can’t wait for you all to come along! Big things will be happening! Talk soon y’all!
With warm regards,
Lilly Rose